What's The Dog Saying?

I don't have a dog, but I often wonder just what dogs are saying when their respective owners, the children of the owners, or those people who just pat dogs on the street and ask questions interact with them in everyday dog situations.

Here are some musings:

OWNER: Give the frisbee Pepper... Give... Give!
PEPPER: No! No! You don't understand!

OWNER: Bad dog Pepper! No peeing on the rug! Bad dog!
PEPPER: Who is this woman? Where's that wet thing I was chewing?

OWNER: Walk Pepper! Walk time! Walk time!
PEPPER: HOLY FUCKING SHIT YES YES YES OOH OOH YES SHIT YES SWEET!

OWNER: Treats?!
PEPPER: HOLY FUCKING SHIT YES YES YES OOH OOH YES SHIT YES SWEET!

POSTMAN: No! Back! No!
PEPPER: This is the one that has to die! They want me to kill this one! His blood will win me many wives in heaven!

OWNER: Aww Pepper... Is Pepper feeling yucky?
PEPPER: I have to take a shit so bad. Fuck. Fuck, I'm going on the carpet. Fuck this, I'm just going to do it on the carpet.

- - - -

I got bored with that quickly, but I'm too tired to write anything that really makes any sense. Here are some New Yorker cartoon captions I made up that don't have drawings to go with them:

If that's not a lawnmower, my wife isn't going to be very pleased when I get home.

I take the phrase "under the weather" very literally.

Don't get too excited, there are still several crickets left.

It sounds like a bear feasting on a trashbag filled with soft boiled eggs.

- - - -

If you really want brief humor like this that works, you should ask Dave about his vagina/deli meats analogies. I mean, that's funny even when it's devoid of elaboration.

Think Pastrami.

Nauseating, yeah, but funny as hell at the same time.

- - - -

I'm going to bed.